Was She Broken Or Was She Working Perfectly? A Story Of One Woman's Healing!
Sep 29, 2022
Here's a good story of self sabotage and a beautiful recovery from it. I had a client who was married. She was happily married and everything was going very well. She came to me as a self sabotage coach, after reading several articles regarding why we self sabotage and how self sabotage can derail someone's happy life very quickly. She told me that for as long as she could remember, she dated beautiful men and was extremely happy with all of them. She also told me that for as long as she could remember, she would also become obsessed with men who wouldn't pay any attention to her. It was these unavailable men that she would hunt down, stalk and obsess over.......until her other relationships would dissolve under the stress. At that point, she was alone and miserable. She said it had happened so many times, it was obviously a pattern. She said she wanted help this time to understand the pattern before she was alone and miserable once again. The first thing I told her was........."you're not broken at all, you're actually working perfectly as designed. All dysfunctional behaviors are merely programs and we can reprogram at anytime for any life we desire....with very little effort." She was very happy to hear this.
I explained to her that primary driver of our behavior is a part of our psyche called the subconscious. The subconscious runs on an invisible type of cruise control and this automatic cruise control behavior system is often set up in childhood and even set up from our inverted media imprinting. I tabled a guess that she had an unavailable Dad in her childhood, a man who didn't pay too much attention to her..........or even a Dad that wasn't in the house at all, who she longed for often. She was shocked that this was exactly her childhood.
Repetitive exposure to the same idea, thought or emotion easily programs the subconscious to repeat those ideas, thoughts or emotions. The subconscious does this naturally, always mimicking and copying the most repetitive things in the environment, as a learning tool for how to fit into that environment....in order to fit in with the tribe. We become what's repetitive, even if it destroys us....unless we learn how to reprogram. My client was only looking for her missing Dad who wasn't there too often in her past. She was looking for her missing Dad in the men who appeared to want nothing to do with her. She actually didn't want the other men at all, she wanted her Dad, who had never given her the love she needed to feel safe in the world. Any man who didn't give her any energy or attention in the present day, she became stuck to, in an attempt to connect with her absent Dad. Men who supported her, loved her and were there for her (like her current husband).....made her feel out of sorts, unfamiliar and uncomfortable because it meant they weren't her Dad. She wasn't broken, she just needed to give her subconscious something better to chase, something better to copy and something better to mimic. There are lots of great ways to reprogram the subconscious and we did that reprogramming together. Now she not only understands her behavior, her marriage is healing and she's reprogramming for what she wants in her life......not for what she doesn't want.
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